Why I am blogging

Work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep.

I’m a machine and, like Jack, its making me a dull boy. I need a hobby.

I’ve got a book on the back burner, just one more chapter then the laborious process of editing it and then shelving it because I don’t think its good enough. Well bugger that.

Do I need a hobby or a habit? I think a habit is more apt, I need something I have to do to break this damned monotony.

Trying to be positive. Its difficult because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I know that life can be beautiful, that there is joy and excitement out there. For the first time in my life I even feel like I deserve some of that. The self hatred has calmed, I’m not a bad person.

I think.

So I’ll write this and see how it goes. I’ll keep speaking to the internet like its my friend, then maybe someone will listen and talk back. Hopefully not the internet itself, that might be scary.

I can’t tell if my eyes are open

The darkness consumed me. A pervasive emptiness that wrapped itself around me like a cold blanket over a new corpse. I shivered and realised I was still alive.

That was something.

I guess.

The pain was gone. An absence that made me feel strangely lonely. I was so used to the perpetual agony that flowed through my body on a daily basis. Not sharp enough to shout out and tell me where it was. Enough to keep me awake in my bed.

But now I was awake and the pain was gone. But there was nothing else. Alone with my thoughts and nothing else. Not nothing, I could feel something on my face. A tear?

It rolled down my face and into the corner of my mouth. Could have been a tear or could have been blood. I didn’t know which one it was or even why it would be blood. Then I realised there was nothing that lead up to where I was in my mind. I was lying on the ground. Somewhere.

I should have felt panic but instead I felt calm. I felt peaceful. It was the absence. That void that was felt with something that was there before. An instinctive shield raised up in my mind. I didn’t want it back. Couldn’t take it back. I knew what was there was something I didn’t want. My mind couldn’t have it, my spirit couldn’t feel it.

I’d let go of what had weighed me down in my life. Released the pain. In my body. In my mind. And the cold emptiness suddenly felt not so cold. I felt the blanket warm up, like a winter’s bed.

Another drop of blood and I knew I should care. But the nothing was beautiful. I gasped a breath and knew there would be few more. No more soon. And the thought seemed okay.

The beautiful void.

A perfect oblivion.

My body was fighting but my spirit wanted more of the nothing. It reached up as my body pulled down. Then they slipped away from each other, without pain or violence. Without conflict or rage. Just fell away.

And my spirit joined the darkness.

 

I’m not sure I want to wake up

Because to wake is to hear that terrible voice. The one that tells me I’m not good enough. Not human enough for some and not machine enough for others. And I revert to the mechanical. A metal man in a fleshy body. I’m not even sure who I am anymore, what I am?

A battered ship in a tempest that has raged for 25 years. I’m so used to the noise, I barely notice. The groaning boards and splitting timbers. The sails being ripped by this awful storm.

And I don’t know where I will be at the end of it.

It could be some magical island, with shining sun and elegant rainbows. A strip of land in a place where nothing matters. Where I don’t matter or at least where no one cares what I do. I’m not sure I matter, I’m not sure I count. As part of the sum. The human equation, the thing we’re trying to figure out. Together in a divided kind of way.

I’m rambling but that’s what the storm does, drags you around. Black waters, blue then green.Pouring into the darkness of the midnight blue.

I don’t recognise the stars anymore and I feel so lost.

Where’s the land? Where’s the land?

Where’s my star?

Shine just once, so I have something to steer towards.

Love all the people

A vacant, desperate, empty life

Their eyes show nothing’s there

No words, no thoughts, no meaning days

There’s nothing they can share

 

Just rage and rants, and angry prose

A day before, so pure

To feel nothing, no empath bond

They mask it, they’re so sure

 

I watch with hate, my own blood boils

How can they? Why and what?

Then feel what they feel, empty thoughts,

My mind, my soul is shot

 

Shot down in flames, a burning death,

I tumble, fall, alone

Until at last, I see my light

I see from where it shone

 

My angel wings, my brush with death

That coldness of the grave

I crush it, kill it, swamp it down,

For helping those I’ll save

 

I won’t be you, I’ll be just me

Till final times approach

You have my love, the hate can go,

I’ll give, despite reproach

 

The alienation of my anger and a need for peace

Desperate thoughts of an enraged void,

of fury born from pain

The fire it burns, it tears it down,

but the apathy remains

 

And doubts of guilt, it’s all my fault

It’s ours we made the Way

for darkness, hate and loveless lives

I’ve nothing left to say

 

 

 

I dread the morning, but not because it’s Monday

An empty temerity,

I’m lost, despite the voice.

Insistent battles behind the words,

the darkness plagues my days.

 

I dread tomorrow,

I fear the day.

A desperate rage to combat fear,

of losing, winning or making sense.

 

They hate you,

and they smile.

I hate me,

and I smile back.

 

The voices, eyes and whispers,

they challenge me, beat me, move me.

Trap me in my office cage,

and lose me in the silence.

 

I don’t want this.

I don’t recognise my eyes anymore

I stare across the room and the mirror stares right back. Old songs in my ears and a need for something gone. Maybe disappeared in the void of empty thought. Or slipped into the sounds of words that never passed my lips.

Who’s he? This old man. He stares back at me with eyes that need sleep. They can’t be mine, he can’t be me, I can’t see, where’s the light?

A fool’s dream, to want success in something, just not this. This desperate, empty, holding life that waits but nothing comes. To wait, to flee, to fly, to hope. Something has to go.

I think about the life, to just throw it away. Just dismiss it because I can. To see if oblivion or Hell meets me. To test the realm, to test the universe. And find out what there is. To look for nothing and find nothing. Maybe.

Or work. Just run, it’s too much. This pressure, this slavery. Staring at my telephone shackles and waiting for the orders, of masters. There’s no choice. There’s no Will of mine. Just others or failure. So run.

From people. It’s them, those around me drag me, pull me, kill me, suck me down into the undertow. A million arms holding me beneath the waves. Tearing my skin, holding me and crushing me, beneath the terrifying waves.

It’s all running. But it is okay, because if I keep running then I’ll get away from it. I can escape.

Until I stare at my feet, point myself at the road . Notice the curve. Feel myself running in circles and circles and circles. It’s all the same. It’s the same road. And no amount of running on this road will free me. And one day I may catch myself. And I don’t know what I’ll do.

So maybe I should stop.

Leave the path.

Lay down on the grass.

Feel the breeze on my face.

And see the beauty.

Because it’s there.

All around us.

 

We’re the chain, we’re the chain, we’re the chain

Wrapping myself in disconsolate innovation and finding a Way for someone else. And they know their Way and what they want. And I don’t want it and I can’t have it.

Is it just me? Or is it really us?

No lies, I need it all.

A dubious integrity until I forget myself then find myself in shame.

Why can’t I be me every day and not just sometimes?

A dreadful perfection. I can see all the dots. The picture, the picture, it tells me what’s not. It shows me a plan and I just want the dream. The freedom of chaos and the hunting of Norns.

The dream we all live in and join in together. The moon and the sky. The cerulean beauty that shields us from the darkness. The wonderful day and the joy of the night.

It’s blue. It’s blue. It’s always been blue.

There’s no black in the sky, though they tell you it is.

There’s no black in the sky and I don’t tell a lie.

Despite the doubts in my mind,

And the questions left behind.

I want you to see, I need you to see. See what I see because if you don’t then I’m me.

I’m just me.