Why I am blogging

Work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep.

I’m a machine and, like Jack, its making me a dull boy. I need a hobby.

I’ve got a book on the back burner, just one more chapter then the laborious process of editing it and then shelving it because I don’t think its good enough. Well bugger that.

Do I need a hobby or a habit? I think a habit is more apt, I need something I have to do to break this damned monotony.

Trying to be positive. Its difficult because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I know that life can be beautiful, that there is joy and excitement out there. For the first time in my life I even feel like I deserve some of that. The self hatred has calmed, I’m not a bad person.

I think.

So I’ll write this and see how it goes. I’ll keep speaking to the internet like its my friend, then maybe someone will listen and talk back. Hopefully not the internet itself, that might be scary.

The alienation of my anger and a need for peace

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Desperate thoughts of an enraged void,

of fury born from pain

The fire it burns, it tears it down,

but the apathy remains

 

And doubts of guilt, it’s all my fault

It’s ours we made the Way

for darkness, hate and loveless lives

I’ve nothing left to say

 

 

 

I dread the morning, but not because it’s Monday

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An empty temerity,

I’m lost, despite the voice.

Insistent battles behind the words,

the darkness plagues my days.

 

I dread tomorrow,

I fear the day.

A desperate rage to combat fear,

of losing, winning or making sense.

 

They hate you,

and they smile.

I hate me,

and I smile back.

 

The voices, eyes and whispers,

they challenge me, beat me, move me.

Trap me in my office cage,

and lose me in the silence.

 

I don’t want this.

I don’t recognise my eyes anymore

I stare across the room and the mirror stares right back. Old songs in my ears and a need for something gone. Maybe disappeared in the void of empty thought. Or slipped into the sounds of words that never passed my lips.

Who’s he? This old man. He stares back at me with eyes that need sleep. They can’t be mine, he can’t be me, I can’t see, where’s the light?

A fool’s dream, to want success in something, just not this. This desperate, empty, holding life that waits but nothing comes. To wait, to flee, to fly, to hope. Something has to go.

I think about the life, to just throw it away. Just dismiss it because I can. To see if oblivion or Hell meets me. To test the realm, to test the universe. And find out what there is. To look for nothing and find nothing. Maybe.

Or work. Just run, it’s too much. This pressure, this slavery. Staring at my telephone shackles and waiting for the orders, of masters. There’s no choice. There’s no Will of mine. Just others or failure. So run.

From people. It’s them, those around me drag me, pull me, kill me, suck me down into the undertow. A million arms holding me beneath the waves. Tearing my skin, holding me and crushing me, beneath the terrifying waves.

It’s all running. But it is okay, because if I keep running then I’ll get away from it. I can escape.

Until I stare at my feet, point myself at the road . Notice the curve. Feel myself running in circles and circles and circles. It’s all the same. It’s the same road. And no amount of running on this road will free me. And one day I may catch myself. And I don’t know what I’ll do.

So maybe I should stop.

Leave the path.

Lay down on the grass.

Feel the breeze on my face.

And see the beauty.

Because it’s there.

All around us.

 

We’re the chain, we’re the chain, we’re the chain

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Wrapping myself in disconsolate innovation and finding a Way for someone else. And they know their Way and what they want. And I don’t want it and I can’t have it.

Is it just me? Or is it really us?

No lies, I need it all.

A dubious integrity until I forget myself then find myself in shame.

Why can’t I be me every day and not just sometimes?

A dreadful perfection. I can see all the dots. The picture, the picture, it tells me what’s not. It shows me a plan and I just want the dream. The freedom of chaos and the hunting of Norns.

The dream we all live in and join in together. The moon and the sky. The cerulean beauty that shields us from the darkness. The wonderful day and the joy of the night.

It’s blue. It’s blue. It’s always been blue.

There’s no black in the sky, though they tell you it is.

There’s no black in the sky and I don’t tell a lie.

Despite the doubts in my mind,

And the questions left behind.

I want you to see, I need you to see. See what I see because if you don’t then I’m me.

I’m just me.

A silent end to the forever year

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As I watch the memories and thoughts flush through my mind. I feel the sounds and shapes, the ripples through my life. I watch what has been and what will be and I wonder how the years will continue to change me.

Form me.

Into someone new.

Each moment I die and birth myself again.

And that is a good thing.

I’ve fought against the darkness of suicide for all of my adult life and as I get older I can see more, like my third eye has been prised, torn, ripped open. And I see that suicide would not be the end.

Because there is no end.

And I’m a butterfly.

We all are.

My brain is buzzing with thoughts and I’m struggling to write them down. This white noise makes the words silent. A flurry of chaos and it is all too much. To sink in. But it has to go somewhere and I wait for calm.

We could live in the horror.

And wallow in the hate.

We could say we are nothing.

That our effort is too late.

The devil takes our freedom,

and one man is no enough.

To change the Tempest’s way,

To fight. It’s all too much.

I’m nothing, I’m nothing, I’m nothing. Insistent voices pursue my heart and chase my spirit. And fool me into thinking. I can’t do it and I’ll fail.

But if they can, I can.

And I will.

Win. We will. And we are all One.

One man can end the world.

One man can stir the hate.

One man can save our future.

One man can make it right.

The hyprocrisy of hate and why love will win

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It’s a line, just a line. This midgard serpent of hate and love, surrounding our world, coiled around our hearts and land.Wrapped around our world. A gift. The gift. This love. This hate. It’s all the same.

Disappointed emptiness and fear of my free will.

What will I do? What should I do? What am I doing?

Do what I will or do what I must. As long as I do.

Something.

I have to do something. I have to help something. I have to fix something. Fix me. Fix you. Fix it all, like a ropey tinker of souls. Rolling down the track, pushing down the road. Finding those things that need fixing.

I need to fix. Sharpen your knives in my back and take the pain off your hands. I’ll take it all. I’ll take it all. My friend or my enemy. Give it to me. Give me the hate. I’ll give you love.

Cos that’s the transaction. That’s the one that counts. More than money or things.

That’s the freedom.

That’s the thing.

To end this.

To tear the tail from the snake’s mouth. And that snake will sing, will call out and tell us why. Why we’re here. Like we don’t know. But we do. Deep down. And when it says it we’ll see.

We’re not here to grate and hate and grind down this road. We’re meant to be together. We all know. You all know. It’s in you. Just look.

It’s not hate. It’s not hate.

It’s love.

Embrace it and lose it. Watch it and love it. Let it go and bring it in. Cos it’s all the same. It’s all One.

One.

We’re One.

A lost lesson in silence

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An explosion of thoughts to words. An eruption of passion to voice.

I burn through the ice, my bright words melt the anger and frustration. Of waking up each and every day, to nothing, something, somewhere else. Of what might have should have been. And where I am and where I go. The limits of my vision.

My bright dark words cast shadows near the people that can’t hear them. For lack of vision, just poor luck or deaths of all our nations. The anger, fear and national pride, the words they just cast darkness.

I live my life, I walk my road. A man without a nation. An earthborn man who will, one day, go fly into ether. That final step, the first of many, the jump into oblivion. To live with stars, within the sky, to watch in perfect freedom.