Why I am blogging

Work, sleep, work, sleep, work sleep.

I’m a machine and, like Jack, its making me a dull boy. I need a hobby.

I’ve got a book on the back burner, just one more chapter then the laborious process of editing it and then shelving it because I don’t think its good enough. Well bugger that.

Do I need a hobby or a habit? I think a habit is more apt, I need something I have to do to break this damned monotony.

Trying to be positive. Its difficult because I don’t have anyone to talk to. I know that life can be beautiful, that there is joy and excitement out there. For the first time in my life I even feel like I deserve some of that. The self hatred has calmed, I’m not a bad person.

I think.

So I’ll write this and see how it goes. I’ll keep speaking to the internet like its my friend, then maybe someone will listen and talk back. Hopefully not the internet itself, that might be scary.

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This was my dream last night

Is fairly sketchy but was so intense. And I can’t remember all the people.

I was lost in a city, driving round and round, I think trying to remember the way in a city I hadn’t been to in a long time. There was this crazy ring road that kept stopping me from getting off it. There were these two sisters I bumped into, they invited me out for a drink.

I got confused about where they wanted me to go. Then, when I realised where it was, I suddenly freaked out that I was too old for it. But I went anyway, sat down at the bar and drank a bottle of becks though I had asked for a bud. There was nothing else there that I liked, just freakish drinks and alcopops. Sitting next to me was an old coworker I had fancied from about 15 years ago at the bar, she was called Amy. We were both wearing red tops. She said she was there for the party too and I got confused – what party?

The sisters had invited everyone I had ever known into the bar, they filled one side of it, stretching off into the distance. I moved to join the crowd. They let Amy in. But then another more recent coworker stopped me and said I wasn’t allowed to join the party because I wasn’t wearing black and white and it was a black and white party. I shrugged at him and returned to the bar.

I ordered another drink, the bar tender placed it on the side and looked pissed off when I offered my card. I kept presenting the contactless card to the device and it flashed a warning saying PAE. He fixed the machine with a reboot and I paid for the drink. But the bottle was gone.

I looked around. A guy behind me placed an empty bottle on the bar by the side of me. He looked smug and his two friends were laughing. I challenged him and he just nodded when I asked if he had drunk my drink. A vision went through my head to beat him until he bled, but I dismissed it. I would be arrested if I fought in a bar. So I let him go and had another beer without incident.

The party was dull and I wasn’t allowed in anyway, I couldn’t see the people who had invited me. So I left. Outside, I saw the guy that stole the beer and ran after him. I sent in a flurry of blows he went down then disappeared, along with his two friends.

Then all of my previous acquaintances swarmed out of the bar waving their arms at me, circular, thrusting waves that weren’t meant to hurt me but still held an undertone of violence. I backed away. Then I ran. They were surrounding me.

I found a tree and climbed up it. Higher and higher. They jeered me from the ground as I clung on. The floor dropped away and the people disappeared too. I was alone at the top of the tree. Clinging onto narrow branches. There was no way to get down.

I heard a siren and a black fire engine appeared below me, sending the ladder up. I looked down. I could see the ground, but it was a mile away, a vast distance. No ladder could reach me.

All I could think was “they think you’re going to kill yourself”. And I felt so ashamed. I felt a blanket wrap around me, a voiceless man took hold of me and held me close. I felt safe for a moment. Then I wept, a deep a sob that didn’t seem like it would ever end.

I reached the ground and I woke up.

Waiting for the straw

To break my back

and I’ll collapse into a heap

I’m waiting for a question

Of will I or won’t I

Is the question to live or is it to die?

 

One more straw and I just don’t know

 

I can’t take another goodbye

Desperately clinging on to the empty eyes

I miss the love I dreamed I had

The beauty once thought mine

Did she? Did she?

Did she ever feel it too or do I see those empty eyes?

 

For the first time now

Though they were always there

Did the touch ever want me?

Did her spirit ever feel me, as I approached her and thought that she felt it to

 

A connection

A lie?

 

I don’t know.

 

Is all she said.

 

And it hurts more than ‘I hate you’.

 

I can’t tell if my eyes are open

The darkness consumed me. A pervasive emptiness that wrapped itself around me like a cold blanket over a new corpse. I shivered and realised I was still alive.

That was something.

I guess.

The pain was gone. An absence that made me feel strangely lonely. I was so used to the perpetual agony that flowed through my body on a daily basis. Not sharp enough to shout out and tell me where it was. Enough to keep me awake in my bed.

But now I was awake and the pain was gone. But there was nothing else. Alone with my thoughts and nothing else. Not nothing, I could feel something on my face. A tear?

It rolled down my face and into the corner of my mouth. Could have been a tear or could have been blood. I didn’t know which one it was or even why it would be blood. Then I realised there was nothing that lead up to where I was in my mind. I was lying on the ground. Somewhere.

I should have felt panic but instead I felt calm. I felt peaceful. It was the absence. That void that was felt with something that was there before. An instinctive shield raised up in my mind. I didn’t want it back. Couldn’t take it back. I knew what was there was something I didn’t want. My mind couldn’t have it, my spirit couldn’t feel it.

I’d let go of what had weighed me down in my life. Released the pain. In my body. In my mind. And the cold emptiness suddenly felt not so cold. I felt the blanket warm up, like a winter’s bed.

Another drop of blood and I knew I should care. But the nothing was beautiful. I gasped a breath and knew there would be few more. No more soon. And the thought seemed okay.

The beautiful void.

A perfect oblivion.

My body was fighting but my spirit wanted more of the nothing. It reached up as my body pulled down. Then they slipped away from each other, without pain or violence. Without conflict or rage. Just fell away.

And my spirit joined the darkness.

 

I’m not sure I want to wake up

Because to wake is to hear that terrible voice. The one that tells me I’m not good enough. Not human enough for some and not machine enough for others. And I revert to the mechanical. A metal man in a fleshy body. I’m not even sure who I am anymore, what I am?

A battered ship in a tempest that has raged for 25 years. I’m so used to the noise, I barely notice. The groaning boards and splitting timbers. The sails being ripped by this awful storm.

And I don’t know where I will be at the end of it.

It could be some magical island, with shining sun and elegant rainbows. A strip of land in a place where nothing matters. Where I don’t matter or at least where no one cares what I do. I’m not sure I matter, I’m not sure I count. As part of the sum. The human equation, the thing we’re trying to figure out. Together in a divided kind of way.

I’m rambling but that’s what the storm does, drags you around. Black waters, blue then green.Pouring into the darkness of the midnight blue.

I don’t recognise the stars anymore and I feel so lost.

Where’s the land? Where’s the land?

Where’s my star?

Shine just once, so I have something to steer towards.

Love all the people

A vacant, desperate, empty life

Their eyes show nothing’s there

No words, no thoughts, no meaning days

There’s nothing they can share

 

Just rage and rants, and angry prose

A day before, so pure

To feel nothing, no empath bond

They mask it, they’re so sure

 

I watch with hate, my own blood boils

How can they? Why and what?

Then feel what they feel, empty thoughts,

My mind, my soul is shot

 

Shot down in flames, a burning death,

I tumble, fall, alone

Until at last, I see my light

I see from where it shone

 

My angel wings, my brush with death

That coldness of the grave

I crush it, kill it, swamp it down,

For helping those I’ll save

 

I won’t be you, I’ll be just me

Till final times approach

You have my love, the hate can go,

I’ll give, despite reproach

 

The alienation of my anger and a need for peace

Desperate thoughts of an enraged void,

of fury born from pain

The fire it burns, it tears it down,

but the apathy remains

 

And doubts of guilt, it’s all my fault

It’s ours we made the Way

for darkness, hate and loveless lives

I’ve nothing left to say